King Kong vs. Godzilla

With the slick new reboot of Godzilla hitting theaters in a few short weeks, all the oldies have been popping up with remastered Blu-ray editions. But unless you really want to see two men in rubber suits slap each other around over cheap train set models, you should skip King Kong vs. Godzilla.

A pharmaceutical company is annoyed with the low ratings the TV shows they sponsor are getting, so they send a team out to Faro Island to in search of a mythical beast to garner some real ratings. Meanwhile, a US submarine gets stuck in an iceberg, the same iceberg that Godzilla was frozen in back in 1955 - this is 1962. Godzilla breaks free and begins attacking things, getting lots of free press, which makes Mr. Tako of Pacific Pharmaceuticals very anrgy.

Over on the island, a giant octopus attacks, then King Kong shows up, fights the octopus and then gets drunk. No, no, I'm serious. He gets drunk and passes out, so they load him up on a raft and start sailing him back to Japan. Which makes Mr. Tako happy since he is now getting all the free press. The Japanese Self-Defence Force stops the raft and tells them to go back to Faro Island because Godzilla has just set foot in Japan and they don't want two giant monsters smashing cities. This, of course, is when Kong wakes up with a hangover, realizes he has been Shanghai'd (yeah, I just said that), gets off the raft and heads for the nearest land... Japan.

The two monsters fight, but then split up and head for Tokyo by different roads. The JSDF tries a giant pit full of explosives and then 1,000,000 volt power lines to dissuade Godzilla from that path and he heads off to Mt. Fuji. Kong, on the other hand, tears through the power lines, which makes him stronger, and kidnaps two girls. The JSDF figures that what worked before will work again, and they get Kong drunk. They then transport Kong to Mt. Fuji for an epic fight they could sell today on pay-per-view called something like "Mountain Mayhem!" and hope they beat each other to death.

Eventually, Kong beats Godzilla to a pulp and drags him into the ocean. The two vanish beneath the waves for a final battle. Only Kong emerges from the depths and then he swims home. But, Godzilla's body doesn't surface, so people think he may have survived as well.

Did I just spoil the movie for you? Too bad! It's 52 years old! Godzilla movies only end one of two ways - either he is presumed dead or he walks into the ocean victorious. King Kong vs. Godzilla is the former, and it is also terrible. The worst part is that while Godzilla looks like the rubber suit we all know and love, King Kong looks like the worst possible Halloween costume someone could dredge up. This movie is definitely not worth your time... unless you really want to see a terrible film. Perhaps you should get some friends together and MST3K this stinker.

The Blu-ray doesn't even have any extras on it, like commentaries or making ofs or retrospectives. To learn cool things about the film, I had to go to wikipedia.

True Fact: The octopus scenes were filmed using four live octopuses, made to move using hair dryers. When they finished filming, three of them were released back into the wild. The fourth one was eaten by the special effects director.

Made Up Fact: If you watch a Godzilla movie backwards, it's about a giant lizard who helps rebuild a half burnt city and then moonwalks back into the ocean.