‘Argylle’ Review: 9 Lives Aren’t Enough to Save this Film

There have been varying levels of the spy genre, from the suave and debonair James Bond films on the more action thriller end to films like Spy which lean more towards humor and the outrageous associations we have with spies. Argylle wants to have the best of both worlds and instead finds neither. It’s an action spy thriller comedy that is far from thrilling or comedic as it awkwardly moves from scene to scene. Director Matthew Vaughn found success in the spy genre with his Kingsman trilogy but throws that all away here for a film with no identity. Nine lives aren’t enough to save this disaster of a film. Would the real Agent Argylle please stand up? Because I would like to get those two and a half hours of my life back.

Author Elle Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard) has found a massive following with her series of Argylle spy thriller novels and is busy finishing her fifth book when suddenly she finds herself at the center of her own real spy operation. Her stories have hit too close to home for one underground spy syndicate and now they’re after her. Thankfully undercover agent Aiden (Sam Rockwell) has been watching her as well and swoops in to rescue her from danger, much like the Argylle from her books. Elle soon finds herself (and her adorable cat Alfie) involved in global spy conspiracy that is ripped straight from her own pages, with the key information the syndicate needs hidden away in Elle’s creative brain.

Argylle has all the musings of the spy genre thrown together in a single pot and seemingly pulled from a magician’s hat whenever necessary. It starts off innocently enough with Henry Cavill and John Cena playing Elle’s book versions of Argylle and his partner Wyatt as they lean into the tropes of the spy genre for comedic effect. It’s once the story shifts to Elle that the film quickly begins to fall apart. Argylle has its own identity crisis as the film doesn’t know what it wants to be.

The main story that follows Elle and Aiden as they uncover this secret plot by some underground syndicate takes itself way too seriously. Sure, Sam Rockwell has some quippy one liners that lighten the mood, but even his talent is not enough to save the film from falling into the same tropes it attempts make fun of. Action scenes are all over the place, with sloppy editing masking what could have been some decent fight choreography. One of the first big fight scenes on a train features Elle snaping between seeing Henry Cavill’s Argylle in place of Sam Rockwell’s Aiden as he makes quick work of the assassin’s sent to kill Elle. I can understand the reasoning behind the idea, but its execution results in a sloppy and disjointed fight scene that only leaves you with a headache.

It’s a shame too because all of the novel characters including Henry Cavill, John Cena, and Ariana DeBose are severely underutilized. Samuel L. Jackson also seems to just be in the film to earn a quick paycheck as his screen time is mostly spent sitting in a chair and walking through a vineyard delivering exposition. At a lengthy two hours and 20 minutes, it’s surprising at how overstuffed the film is with little to actually show for it. There are twists and double crosses audiences can see coming from miles away, explanations that are more confusing than sensible, and shocking reveals that barely cause a tingle.

I will admit that there is an entertaining shootout towards the end of the film that involves colored smoke grenades and is just a lot of fun. It’s the only memorable scene in the film, and it feels out of place. Had the entire film embraced this same level of over-the-top outrageousness, feelings may have been completely different. After two hours of things being rather straightforward, it’s too little too late for the film to only now start digging into its humorous potential. Even then, it’s still an uphill battle. The script does itself no favors, either. At one point a character referred to as the Keeper of Secrets says that she’s good at keeping secrets to gain Elle’s trust. It’s such a terrible line, and not in any “so bad it’s good” way. The CGI is all over the place as well with entire fight scenes looking like they’ve been cut and pasted together like paper dolls. It’s just not good.

There is no twist big enough or shocking enough to make Argylle worth watching. Even if Taylor Swift was the secret author behind the novel as rumors suggest (there is no actual credit to her in the film whatsoever), it wouldn’t surprise me that she would want to stay anonymous after how terrible the film is. Argylle is too long, too generic, and wastes too many of its lives to be anything enjoyable. Curiosity didn’t kill the cat; Argylle did.