Brokencyde: I'm Not a Fan, But the Kids Like It!

I'm Not a Fan But the Kids Like It!

Release Date: 
Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I feel as if I need to start this review with a parental advisory, as the music contained on this album is so worthless, so inept and so foul that allowing your children (or yourself to listen) should be grounds for removing them from your home and putting them into foster care. I also feel like I owe an apology to all of the bands to which I’ve given poor grades here on Shakefire. Whatever I said negatively about you, I stand corrected. The chaps from Brokencyde were good enough to prove me wrong and demonstrate that it is possible to lower the bar so much that no music exec anywhere should ever have a reason again to turn down anyone’s attempt at music. Verily I say unto you, if Brokencyde can be signed to a contract, that local cover band in the bar down from your work should have A&R reps beating down their door.

Lest you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t seen the public lashing that Brokencyde have been receiving in the press (and on the tour circuit), here’s their shtick in a nutshell: four white dudes have taken the worst of screamo and combined it with the worst of rap. In other words, you have hackneyed pseudo-breakdowns and growling vocals in wedded bliss with overly sexed hip-hop clichés. I have no idea where or how this abomination came into being, but we need the powers of Gandalf to send them back to the burning pit where they belong.

Those with sensitive feelings (or simply a desire to treat women as human beings and not objects) might want to turn away now…but those of you with lead stomachs should be able to handle this. Here’s a sampling of the lyrical mastery that awaits you:

I walk into the club looking kind of sexy now.
I see these shorties in the corner, they started making out.
They pull their panties down, they take their pants off.
Then they started getting freaky on the dance floor. (FreaXXX)

I'll wax that ass real fast like lightninggggg yeahhhhhh, baby i'ma break your backbone and after we have sex you'll probably get a attached girl pay me, I don’t f*** for free you know all of these scene bitches wanna f*** with me (Skeet Skeet)

Damn right ho your so sleezy
you give me the heebie jeebies!
you make my pee-pee hard!
you make my pee-pee hard! (Sex Toys)

Amazing, eh? I think that pretty much speaks for itself. But in case I haven’t made my opinion clear, consider this: I didn’t even rip this to my computer for fear that my system would somehow contract a virus from merely transferring the files. Matter of fact, I told Peter that I was afraid of getting ear herpes simply from listening. But listen I did, so that you, dear reader, wouldn’t have to. I took one for the team. You’re welcome.

Jeremy Hunt
Review by Jeremy Hunt
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