Holy moly was this movie terrible. I don't think I really have the words to say just how bad "Cornered!" really was. Except that that's probably the best word to describe how I felt after watching it.

Wow. Steve Guttenberg. "Cocoon"-Steve. "Police Academy"-Steve. "Three Men and a Baby"-Steve. I was on one season of "Veronica Mars"-Steve. Yeah, he's in this. And it's apparent from the visible resignation on his face in his first scene that he's getting another agent.

"Cornered!" had promise in the beginning. The title sequences were kind of interesting. There were some nice creepy images of murders interspersed with police radio dispatcher and TV newscaster voiceovers talking about the string of serial killer-like murders in small-town convenience stores in the area. Anyone who's anyone is scared that it might happen to them, but yet they like to sit around and talk about what they would do to the killer if he walked in. Now.

Like these people:

• Steve, overbearing owner of the convenience store. He videotapes everything that goes on and keeps a tally of all the "freebies" his friends take from his inventory in a little notebook.
• Mona, 1-900 worker. Yeah, gross, and she has quite the oral fixation. Especially with ice cream.
• Jimmy, the cashier/worker that is clearly right out of rehab.
• Donny, the could-be normal guy who could get the girl except for his love of doughnuts.
• Jess, girl-next-door-turned-hooker because she needs the money. And the only one in the movie with a brain.

They all retire to Steve's above-the-store apartment for their weekly poker game. In between, cans of beer and saying the F word a lot, they all find reasons to go down to the store to either get something or go "check on" someone else. Clearly, horror movies never made it to Podunk, Nowheresville because these people are stupid. I mean really stupid. Except for Jess, and well, that would give the movie away.

Blah, blah, blah, if I say anything else, I'll spoil the plot for you which is a lie because it was spoiled from the get-go. You really don't need me to say anymore, do you? And if you've seen any episode of "Law and Order" then you know who's guilty. The same rule applies here.

The screenwriter's use of the F word is abusive at best. I'm not at all offended by it, but come on, saying "fuck" and using it in the proper context is an art. Overusing it just becomes annoying. The way these people say it is just wrong. See Quentin Tarrantino for any pointers on that.

The direction isn't so bad, though. I have to give Mr. Maze some credit there. But there were two hokey things that irritated me: Daniel Maze is the director. Morty delivers Maze-brand beer. Which when you think about it, corn beer is kinda gross. The other is the placement of a can of corn and another can ending in -ered spelling "cornered." in one of the final scenes. Yeah, not cute.

So the next time you're in a convenience store with your loser friends (not, you Dante and Randall), be careful when talking about how YOU would kill the bad guy, ok?