Permit me, if you will, to wax nostalgic for just a moment. I have a lot of fond memories watching goofy Disney movies growing up. Stuff like Absent Minded Professor, The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, The Strongest Man in the World, and Now You See Him, Now You Don’t. Beyond that, I loved classics like The Swiss Family Robinson, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, Kidnapped…the list goes on. I loved those films and for the most part, they still hold up. Sure, bits and pieces might be a little hokey by today’s standards, but for the most part, they’re strong stories told by strong casts.

Sadly, time has not been kind to Disney’s ability to tell good stories. Pixar’s influence aside, nonsense like StarStruck is what kids today are lucky enough to grow up with. Now I’m not opposed to silly stories. I’m not even overly opposed to semi-clichéd stories. Certain story tropes are basic ones that will get told and re-told throughout the ages. What I do have a problem with is a story like this one. It is so shallow, so devoid of any real worth as to be completely and utterly vapid. You’ve got the male lead, an artist named Chris Wilde, who lives a life of luxury as a tween pop star. Followed by paparazzi, adored by fans (mostly tween girls), he gets anything he wants. His parents are on the payroll and also run his life, taking him from one gig to the next.

Along comes Jessica Olson, who’s aware of Wilde, but only because her older sister completely idolizes him. Jessica accidentally runs into Chris at a secret birthday party gig. They spend the rest of the film alternating between hating each other and falling for one another, often flipping between the two within seconds (and in the same scene). Now you might think, well, maybe there’s a good story in here about him learning to get rid of his lifestyle in order to be a better friend and to help those in need.

But no. They eventually work through their surface-level differences and live happily after. Or something like that. The bottom line is that the story here is paper thin and completely empty. And I’m not even touching on the incredibly lame music featured throughout the movie. For some reason every single tune is “sung” via autotune. I have no idea if the kid playing Chris can actually sing, but if not, I wish that they would have gotten someone to do a voiceover for the songs, instead of resorting to yet another musical fad.

The bottom line is: I feel sorry for any kid who has to suffer through this.