Gods of Egypt

Gods of Egypt was making headlines way before it made its way into theaters when news that nearly all of the Egyptian gods in the film would be portrayed by white actors. That was just the beginning of the film’s problems, though, as neither the story, acting, or special effects could bolster it into anything even remotely watchable. Gods of Egypt is simply bad in every way possible.

God and current King of Egypt Osiris (Bryan Brown) is nearing his time to give up his crown, choosing his son Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) as his heir to the throne. Unfortunately, that doesn’t sit well with Osiris’ brother, Set (Gerard Butler), who kills him and declares himself the new ruler. Unable to defeat his uncle, Horus loses his eyes and retreats to his temple while Egypt falls into despair as Set reigns over the mortals with an iron fist. Meanwhile, a mortal thief named Bek (Brenton Thwaites) loses his love Zaya (Courtney Eaton) under Set’s new rule and will do anything to have her return from the underworld, even if that means helping Horus defeat his brother.

There is no reason why Gods of Egypt should be a movie. Everything about it is terrible. The gods themselves are awful as stand well over 9 feet tall and tower over their mortal counterparts. The idea itself is interesting, but its execution is horrible. It looks as if each character has been cut-and-paste into the background. The gods can also transform into metallic versions of their animal forms - Horus as a falcon and Set as a jackal - that come with a boost in power. It’s laughably ridiculous and doesn’t make them any cooler or interesting as the film hopes it would.

The story is equally ridiculous with its Romeo and Juliet romance and family feud drama. At one point Horus transforms into his falcon and flies up to space to talk with his dad Ra (Geoffrey Rush) on his flying pirate ship. Yes that really happens, and yes it is as outrageous as it sounds. The fight sequences aren’t any better, either. There’s a fight between Horus and one of Set’s henchmen at a waterfall that’s stiff and messy and looks like it was taken directly out of Jason and the Argonauts, only using terrible CGI not puppets. Also, did women’s clothing in ancient Egypt solely involve some form of the push up bra because every female character is dressed as if society is about to run out of fabric. Honestly, a more diverse cast still wouldn’t have helped the film be any better.

Gods of Egypt is beyond saving. I watched it in a constant state of bewilderment wondering what was going on as each scene became more and more ridiculous. I didn’t care about the characters and I didn’t care about the story. I don’t care at all about the film.